I should have been crying.....but I think I was excited.
I should have felt sad that something good was ending...but I'm pretty sure I felt happy for a new beginning.
I should have felt remorse for the things I will miss....but I imagined the wonders ahead.
I should have been fearful of the future.....but I was trusting that I'm not in control.
I should have felt shame for my failures.....but I instead felt proud of their accomplishments.
I should have held onto what I was comfortable with....but I lunged forward and embraced the change.
Today...three of my six children started school.
Not in our home.
After 6 years of homeschooling-my foster son, and two oldest are now attending a local
Christian school-full time. Without me.
I have no say in their teachers...their lessons..their homework...their projects..their grades...their exposure.
I have zero control over who they sit next to...who they befriend...how they speak to the adults...whether or not they roll their eyes..their posture...how much of their lunch they eat...and numerous other things that have gone through my mind the past few months. Some really important. Some really silly.
I struggled and struggled to decide what was best for them. After a really tough year, and feeling like I had failed them as a teacher, I approached my husband for permission to enroll them in school. He assured me that this year would be better, that I could do it...but after realizing the toll 2010/2011 took on me, he agreed to give it a try. As the fun, laid back weeks of summer passed, I wondered what today would feel like.
I imagined me backing out. At the last minute realizing I had made a horrible mistake and making them stay home. I imagined me bursting into tears and saying how sorry I am that I couldn't do better. I thought I would miss them all day. I was sure that I would be overcome with guilt and doubts and fears.
The day came quickly. We packed lunches and backpacks. We set out uniforms. I prayed.
And.....nothing. Nothing I expected. Nothing bad. No guilt-no doubt-no fear-no tears.
I kissed them all goodbye-bid them a happy day-and all that stayed behind was a feeling of peace.
It was time.
It was all for good.
I need not feel ashamed-or condemned-or worry.
He has them in the palm of His mighty hand. He has prepared their steps.
He is in control of who their teachers are...their lessons...their friends...and even if they eat their lunch.
It's been a great 6 years. I'm looking forward to more great years homeschooling my little ones.
But I am also thankful. So very, very thankful that what I imagined to be such a hard-horrible day-turned out to be wonderful.
"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven."