Blessed are those whose strength is in you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage. Psalm 84:5

Monday, August 29, 2011

I should have been.....

I should have been crying.....but I think I was excited.

I should have felt sad that something good was ending...but I'm pretty sure I felt happy for a new beginning.
I should have felt remorse for the things I will miss....but I imagined the wonders ahead.

I should have been fearful of the future.....but I was trusting that I'm not in control.

I should have felt shame for my failures.....but I instead felt proud of their accomplishments.

I should have held onto what I was comfortable with....but I lunged forward and embraced the change.

Today...three of my six children started school.
Not in our home.
After 6 years of homeschooling-my foster son, and two oldest are now attending a local 
Christian school-full time. Without me. 

I have no say in their teachers...their lessons..their homework...their projects..their grades...their exposure.
I have zero control over who they sit next to...who they they speak to the adults...whether or not they roll their eyes..their much of their lunch they eat...and numerous other things that have gone through my mind the past few months. Some really important. Some really silly.

I struggled and struggled to decide what was best for them. After a really tough year, and feeling like I had failed them as a teacher, I approached my husband for permission to enroll them in school. He assured me that this year would be better, that I could do it...but after realizing the toll 2010/2011 took on me, he agreed to give it a try. As the fun, laid back weeks of summer passed, I wondered what today would feel like. 
I imagined me backing out. At the last minute realizing I had made a horrible mistake and making them stay home. I imagined me bursting into tears and saying how sorry I am that I couldn't do better. I thought I would miss them all day. I was sure that I would be overcome with guilt and doubts and fears. 

The day came quickly. We packed lunches and backpacks. We set out uniforms. I prayed. 

And.....nothing. Nothing I expected. Nothing bad. No guilt-no doubt-no fear-no tears.
I kissed them all goodbye-bid them a happy day-and all that stayed behind was a feeling of peace.
It was time. 
It was all for good.
I need not feel ashamed-or condemned-or worry.
He has them in the palm of His mighty hand. He has prepared their steps. 
He is in control of who their teachers are...their lessons...their friends...and even if they eat their lunch.
It's been a great 6 years. I'm looking forward to more great years homeschooling my little ones.
But I am also thankful. So very, very thankful that what I imagined to be such a hard-horrible day-turned out to be wonderful.

Ecclesiastes 3:1
"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven."


  1. This is such a sweet post. Happy First Day of School to three of your children!

  2. I struggled too with that for a long time but now 3 of my 6 are in school (one has graduated)...I loved your post!

  3. Shannon, Kim from Creative Spirit is the winner of your bracelet!
    Her Email is
    Thank you so much for donating and I will be back to purchase!

  4. I AM SOOOOOOOOO excited to win one of your wonderful bracelets. LOVE THEM.... I will send you my address.....I have chosen the Shine Like Stars child size bracelet.... that will make a perfect birthday gift for my granddaughter.

  5. How did the day go for the kids? We enrolled 3 of our children into private catholic school. They all love it so far! ~D

  6. 4kids1mom....Thanks for far so good-all 3 are thrilled with their classes and friends, etc. My son has a new science teacher who is a biologist and loves reptiles and he desires to be a herpatologist-so-he is VERY excited to pick her brain and she could be a wonderful resource and encouragement for him. All in all-it's been an easy transition. My at home kiddos are enjoying my attention and the middle child is REALLY enjoying being the oldest during the day!

  7. I have always been with my children during their schooling. I taught in their Christian School for 6 years and over the past three years we have homeschooled and this year is the first year they have gone off to school without me being involved in any of it, as I have had to go back to work because my husband is disabled. As I read your blog post, I felt that you were writing my story. I am so glad the Lord is giving you such grace and peace as he has done the same for me. God's grace is always sufficient and I believe if you search for his will he will give you direction and then place his stamp of peace on that direction. He knows us better than we know ourselves and he knew you needed this break. God is so good to take care of his children. Praising the Lord for his goodness and we will watch our children blossom as they are in the hands of our Lord and he doeth all things well.