I'm sure you think I was cruel.
Did my words insult you? Did you find them mean and selfish and heartless?
Perhaps you shouldn't judge me so quickly.
Perhaps, after reading only one line about my entire existence, it isn't really fair to condemn me.
Have you considered what you might have felt or what you might have said if you were in my sandals?
Have you ever had everything going your way and then it all ripped out from under you in one day?
From riches to rags....from blessings to curses.....from notoriety to nothing!
I've seen how you ladies react to the slightest change in your agenda. For example: You are typing away trying to polish off a new blog post when you hear a crash! One of your children has dropped a platter of food and made a dangerous mess all over! You are irritated and more times than not-you show it. This "accident" has interrupted your agenda and for that fact alone-you let the child know of your displeasure.
How about those of you whose spouses have lost a job? The fear-the panic-the worry that overcomes you instead of peace and waiting. The crunching of numbers instead of just crouching on your knees. I know loosing a job can be really hard..but it's not the worst and yet it has brought the worst out of some of you.
When you are sick...do you ever wonder why or how you can possibly go about your daily tasks feeling so horrible? Do you ever feel sorry for yourself that you have to suffer so and continue to be Mommy even though sometimes you feel very unappreciated?
If you can relate to any of those examples..then please...cut me some slack
because this is what happened to me.
One day my family was the most notorious in all the land! My husband was top dog! Head honcho! Leader of the pack! He was the one others came to for advice and wisdom and I was always so proud to stand by his side! My Man!! What a catch! Our children...all ten of them-were blessings from the Lord! They enjoyed their families wealth and status..perhaps a bit too much sometimes..but over all, I was proud and so thankful I was chosen to be their Mommy. The livestock...Oh! The livestock-too numerous to list! We were VERY affluent and never had a need that went unmet. What more could a woman ask for? Wonderful husband, lots of tremendous children (not to mention the grandchildren I was hoping for soon!), and every "thing" a person could want for! Doesn't it sound wonderful?
Then...BAMM!!! I'm at home baking fresh bread when I hear a moaning. More of a deep, painful, cry. I leave the kitchen in a hurry, rush outside, only to find that my entire world has been shred to bits! My husband has shaved his head and torn his cloak. He is moaning and waling and my heart and stomach sink as I know something beyond horrible must have happened to cause such a reaction in my strong man! I beg of him:
"What has happened??!! Tell me!!! What has happened to cause you such pain, dear husband??" After much time waiting for him to be settled enough to speak he breaks the news to me.
"They're all gone! All of them are gone!! All our servants...our animals and I am so sorry my wife-but our children. They are all dead!"
ALL DEAD. ALL DEAD. ALL DEAD. I heard nothing beyond those words. And I too..died that day.
My mourning for the loss of my loved ones hadn't even subsided a tad when my man was stricken with disease. Horrible, disgusting, painful sores covered his body. He was ravaged with pain day and night. Now, besides my position in society, my wealth, my help, my flocks and my children...it seems I have lost my husband.
The one who was always the most respected.
The one who I needed to be strong to help me through my pain and my loss.
Now..he too is in physical pain and seems daily to be losing his battle to live.
I not only have to try to manage to keep our home, find food to put on the table, and do all the work myself (since the servants have all died), but now I must try to comfort this ailing man who surely will soon leave this world and me! I will then really be all alone. Everything I loved will have been taken from me in an excrutiating way and I am all but dead myself with the heaviness in my heart.
So...I am sorry if my words offended you. If I seemed cruel or unloving. I was not always that way. But, when I looked outside at who once was my strong, respected, righteous husband and saw only a crumpled up figure of pain- I couldn't help but think:
"God...just take him! Take him now and get it over with! All else is gone and in this state he might as well be!"
And so..I said what I said. My famous words that have to this day followed me and
given me such a bad reputation.
"Are you still holding on to your integrity? Curse God and die!"
You don't need to tell me why it was wrong. Even through his pain, my husband did as much when he replied,
"You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?"
I'm sorry. I'm sorry that though my husband did not sin in what he said that I did. I am sorry that when everything I cherished was taken from me in an instant that I did not hold my tongue and trust in God as my husband was able. I was hurting in way I had never hurt before. I was feeling alone and scared and without hope. On the brink of losing my mind and man in addition to all else...I just snapped. I am not asking for justification of my sin. Just that you might be honest with yourself and me and admit that I am not alone in my transgressions. That you yourself have sinned in your words and thoughts when much less was taken from you-and therefore- perhaps- I could be shown love instead of hate.
Maybe you are right. Maybe I was being cruel and selfish and mean. But maybe...just maybe..you haven't put yourself in my sandals before. Maybe...just maybe you too would have said what I did-or even worse.
Maybe...just maybe..when all we know about a person is one little teeny, tiny line of one thing that they spoke...we shouldn't be so quick to judge.
Maybe....just maybe...when someone says something really out of line, we should give them the benefit that perhaps they are hurting in a way we have never experienced and what they really need is a friend to love them and show them grace.
I would normally end a letter with my signature, but though many have judged me...they do not even know my name.