Blessed are those whose strength is in you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage. Psalm 84:5

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

My Chat with God. Is it Enough?

Is it enough to just be a regular mom? 
(as opposed to adopting)
Is it enough to just be a wife? 
(and not a ministry leader, bible study teacher, writer, etc. etc.)
Is it enough to just be a homemaker?
 (and not be serving outside my own home?)
Is it enough to just be a "regular" christian?
(instead of the missionaries we thought You wanted us to be?) 
There was a time when my faith could not be held back. When I was humbled beyond measure that You might choose me...might use me...might call me. We were the last people anyone would have thought You would call to be missionaries-and yet we were so confident You were leading. 
We followed.

There was a time when my heart's desire to adopt seemed to be coming true. When I was bursting with joy at the idea of caring for orphans...pleasing You with what You say is true religion. We already had 5 of our own children and we were the last family others would have thought You would call to adopt. 
Yet, we were so confident You were leading. 
We followed.

There was a time when I was not afraid to put myself "out there". To jump in with both feet. To stay up late to get the job done. To sacrifice what might have been "me time". When I would offer to help before being asked and my plate was FULL. But it was SO GOOD!!!! I loved every minute of that fullness and business and felt my time with You was increasing despite it. Others commented that I was taking on too much. 
Yet, I was confident I was serving in love-with the right motives.  I thought You were leading. 
I followed.

I know....there is a time and a season for everything. 
 A season of great pain and disappointments came. 
A season of questions and doubts and fears visited..
A season of loneliness followed. 

And now...I wonder every day.
Was I really following You? Or was I just following me?
 Is it Enough?
I am no longer a missionary.
I am no longer an adopting Mommy.
I am no longer busy leading and serving.

Am I enough?

I'm just me.
Just one wife and one mommy in one house.
I still want to do more.
I keep getting ideas. Wondering. "Should I?" "Could I?" 
I still desire to please You and serve You.
I long to go where You want me to go and do what You want me to do. I read and hear stories of the amazing things other women are doing. Disabled children being adopted, encouraging books being written, the lost being saved.
And yet....here I am.

It's quiet in this place. 
Some days it's really lonely.
Most days I feel like I'm not doing enough for You. 
That I should find ways to do more. 
Get involved in something else-something bigger-something more important.

And then I hear you whisper......

"I am enough."
"I am all you need."
"Be still and know I am God."
 Be still?
I don't like being still. I would much rather be busy. 
I think I am much happier when I am doing lots of things. 

Then I hear you ask....
"For who's glory do you do these things...yours or Mine?"
"I will not share My glory with anyone."
"Until you learn to Be still and know Me....and believe that I am enough for you...you won't be able to do more and give Me the glory."
 And so...here I am. 
It's quiet in this place. 
Some days it's really lonely.
Hear my cry O Lord and fill me with Your presence. Help me to be still and really know You that I might serve You and give You all the glory and shine Your light into my home and maybe one day....
....I'll make it as far as the front porch!!!
  

1 comment:

  1. Shannon, thank you for sharing. God is so amazing.

    ReplyDelete